Life block

I'm wrecked, feel useless, have two essays due for Monday neither of which I have started and I keep forgetting to text people back. I also have the shits.

Despite all this, next week seems like it might be quite fun. Even though, if I don't get my act together I suppose university will be over quicker than expected. That wouldn't be ideal. Just from the whole social point of view...when else do you get the chance to be surrounded by people your own age with loads of free time?

College would be great if the whole deadline/compulsory work thing didn't exist. I mean, sure if you feel like doing an essay...go ahead...but you shouldn't have to. 

Though, no-one makes you go to university.

So really, I'm the one to blame for my own procrastination insanity.

Temporary Life

Before I get sidetracked, I just want to note - for my own sake - that I am mostly very happy at the moment. Life has a special, temporary magic to it. The routine and familiarity of library study surrounded by friends, punctuated by rambling café chats and my walks home along moonlit Dublin streets, is all very comfortable. All of a sudden I feel like everything has fallen into place - like an opaque veil has been lifted from eyes. My friends now feel like just that - true, deep rooted friendships, people that I love spending time with and who I can say anything to, anytime. It's like exam season as cementified what is good, and removed all the unnecessary fluff. I'm so aware of how nice and - effortless - everything is right now.  

And yet at the same time, so acutely conscious of the brevity of this interlude. In four weeks time all this will have evaporated. I will no longer be living in Dublin - even if I was, college will be over and the majority of people I know will be scattered across the world. From trekking around India, to interning in Paris...to working in a Westport bar...people seem to be doing everything but staying in the Little Big Smoke. Which, is of course, just what happens when summer arrives. I should appreciate the opportunity to do all those things the rigours of the academic year prevented me from doing. If I so wished I could really get back into art, or pick up Spanish, or (given a little financial impetus) travel to Europe. Yet in reality, it seems far to easy to slip into the vague nothingness that has haunted my summers since...ever. Ok, yes, I worked and travelled around England last summer, and sure, I've been abroad a bit before - but I've singularly failed to do anything MEANINGFUL. 

It's not really the probably nothingness of summer that saddens me, more the temporary termination of something that I've enjoyed so much over the past 9 months, especially when I think of how much more solid things are now even compared to three weeks ago. It's like just when everything becomes so natural, change arrives to blow it all away. Except: everything starts again come September, and I still have another three years left. For that I should be very happy! 

Now: revision, beetroot and goats cheese tart, then bed!

Austerity revision

It's strange how close to the end another university year is. It feels like only yesterday I was trying to get a handle on Dublin life...yet here I am in the middle of exams with just a few weeks before the uncertainties of summer descend....and I don't feel ready for it all to end. Yeah, I suppose no having library obligations will be refreshing for a little, but then the fatigue of doing sweet f-all will set in...and before you know it another summer is gone a wasting. One day, probably in the not too distant future, I'll look back at these long breaks with envy, Though considering just how broken the economy is, I most probably will have all the time in the world... queuing up for an ever decreasing dole payment, all pretense of dignity lost with the realisation that renting my own place, let alone owning somewhere, is an impossible dream. Yeah, ok, I'm being a tad melodramatic here (early hours of the morning and all) but it doesn't seem all that unlikely. 

Ahhh being a fully paid up member of the lost generation - with a life time of education and expectations based on cheap credit fuelled fantasies- isn't easy, but at least I have an excuse if everything goes to hell - it's not my fault; I wasn't the one who thought lending people 5 times their income to buy badly built 3 bed semis in Laois (That's Metropolitan Dublin in estate agent speak) was a good idea. I'm not the one who decided to take a machete to anything that was left post-crash by imposing austerity. So. If my life goes no-where, blame the baby-boomer generation. They had everything, screwed it up, yet have managed miraculously to go relatively unscathed in all the chaos...

ANYWAY...this wasn't meant to be a whiney post at all, less a rant. It was supposed to be a positive 'realisation that uni life is great but temporary, so appreciate it' type thing. I just got sorta side tracked,. Life wise anywhoo, my first two exams are over. So, how did they go? Well...who knows...I'm just glad they're done. To pass - that's all I hope, the thought of August repeat exams makes me shudder with disgust. It would be a serious annoyance, especially now that my average english grade is now in pass territory - a 2.1 in my last english essay saved me from heading into the exams with a sub-40 mark,.So dear english department, have mercy on a poor, unintentionally lazy, first year student. I'm doomed to a life of financial insecurity, so you might as well give me a few nice years now! Exams apart, life is floating along nicely...

So....Bonsoir...

Eye of the Exam monster

My first exam starts in about...32 hours. And that's fine. I SHOULD be freaking out majorly, I mean my revision has been slightly sporadic -a textbook case of leaving everything to the last minute. To fail would be to ruin my summer. 

Yet.

There's a temporary sense of calm surrounding me, making it impossible to worry too much about paper grades. Everything is in balance, life has a simple purpose - for three more weeks, until exams are over and the mundanely unknown territory of summer arrives. 

Revision is tiring, mind numbing and depressing, but it has its limits, and in its way demands little self-thought. In some ways, by giving an excuse to put life on hold, revision is the easy option. Hmmm...maybe that means I'm procrastinating too much?

Today was -interesting-. and slightly unexpected...

But I have no spare brain left to think about it.

*tired*

TO EXAMS AND INFINITY (... uncharacteristic sci-fi reference that DOESN'T mean I've turned into a space geek, just that I'm a bit all over the place) 

When he was 22 the future looked shite...

I'm feeling pretty restless and stressed at the moment. This weekend which was supposed to be filled with ''study'' so that I would be sorted for the next week has inevitably amounted to nothing more than one big procrastination pit (Ha that's almost a band...) I can't concentrate on anything other than flicking from one website to another and sating my pangs of boredom with cornflakes.

Right now I'm TRYING to read/analyse a medieval poem, only the thing is that this is full on novel size. Only written in stanzas.

All this abject guilty idleness has put me into one of those 'what the HELL am I doing with my life' moods. The central thread...that I'm really not suited for academic, or actually any kind of study. Seriously, I don't want to analyse 18th century romance, or figure out whatever the hell post-structuralism is...Chaucer can go back to Canterbury for all I care. Shouldn't I feel some enthusiasm, or at least -appreciation- for my degree? Of course, it's late, works due tomorrow and I feel uncomfortably full, so maybe now isn't the best time to judge how I feel about something. However, it doesn't matter what time of the night or day it is, it's rare that my degree makes me think 'wow'. More worryingly I'm not sure whether I'm going to pass this year. First year. If I can't deal with stuff now, what on earth I'm I going to feel like when third year swings around and work actually counts?

Not that I need to think about that if I fail the May exams. As my dad so helpfully pointed out last night, this is my last stab at higher education. I can't afford to drop out or repeat. There's something horrible about how everything positive I've created this year -friendships, new experiences; a life that seems solid- can be destroyed so easily. All it takes is one exam.

Yet I couldn't put the blame on anyone other than myself if the worst were to happen and my university adventure finished in tatters. Ultimately, it's entirely up to me to put the work in, to prioritise and make the right choices. Yes, it's not an easy course - though I should have known that, places don't get good reputations for nothing- but I believe I have the mental capacity to get through it. What's not so certain is whether I can sustain interest and do something I have never managed to do - knuckle down and work regularly. To not do nothing all day because it's Sunday and you want to beat your brother's high score on 'Temple Run'. I haven't committed to something fully in my life. Last year my artistic aspirations vanished partly because I couldn't balance life with work and I let things build up until they were too much to deal with. Things haven't changed so much.

This bright new dawn may have been a revelation for my social and personal life, but my work ethic and attention span are worse than ever. It's fine to be like that at fifteen, not so much when you're pushing 21. It makes me realise that I too am one of these over-privileged, lazy, ambition-less wasters, with an undeserved sense of entitlement. I feel indignant at the thought of university fees, about my grant being late...what gives me the right? Why should the state subsidise me to fuck around - then, when I inevitably DO mess everything up, support me further? Thirty years ago most people couldn't afford to go to college in this country. Now that our generation have this opportunity, why do so many of us - me included - squander it for a few fun memories?

Coming back to the simple facts of my life - unlike the previous two years, I don't have the luxury of being able to change direction when the going gets remotely tough. I really do only have two options: study or get rolled over by the cold reality of life.

On that cheery note...

La Grande Ville Qui Bouge

On a bizarrely positive note, I just wanted to say how much I love Dublin right now. Sometimes university tires and pisses me off, but this evening I had one of those moments when I realised that I made absolutely the right choice to study here. Sure, tomorrows excessive drinking in the name of Irish patriotism won't be pretty by the evening, but for now theres a real buzz in the air. Standing outside a packed uni bar, music floating from loudspeakers while the sun set over the cricket pitch and Dublin's skyline beyond, heading to meet with friends, life seemed pretty perfect. Now I'm back in the library getting ready for Yeats...but even that task doesn't seem too bad right now...I'm just staring at the giant ferris wheel peaking out from Merrion Square and embracing the festival atmosphere. Tomorrow, well, I'm meeting with friends and seeing the parade which probably will be crap, but as I AM in the city for the first time, theres no excuse not to...I'll complain later!

Right, well, after all that idealistic word splurge, I'm going to go...

'Imaginary' Essays

I CAN'T DO THIS ESSAY. Honestly. It's impossible, I have no idea of what to say about Yeats, or anything actually. Its SO confusing. BLEH BLEH BLEH...PROCRASTINATION MAXIMUS....